New Year’s Resolutions

Taylor Foote, staff writer

It’s the New Year! Or at least it has been for a couple weeks. People always promise to change something or do better at something for the following year. Well they obviously didn’t pinky promise. Resolutions are more like loose suggestions, since the resolve required is just too much. I mean look at me, I resolved to not be a sarcastic know-it-all, and yet I’m still writing this article. But I’m not the only one. Let’s see, we have the guy who resolved to quit smoking already on his third pack of the day, and the chick who resolved to stop drinking passed out in the bathtub. Go to McDonald’s and you’ll find everyone who resolved to eat healthier smashing on Big Macs, minus the lettuce and tomato. That girl who resolved to be nicer just made someone cry over Facebook, and the dude who promised to spend more time with his family has locked himself in his room with his Xbox.

At New Year’s, everyone sees an opportunity to try and achieve the life they want for themselves, so they promise to take the steps to make their life better. But when the time comes to actually own up, people go along the same easy path they were on before. A woman promises to take the stairs instead of the elevator, but wears heels every day to justify riding the elevator up one floor. The man who resolved to watch less sports and spend more time with his wife now forces her to watch football with him and only lets her talk during the commercials. Well, I guess he’s trying. Basically, people like to think they can just resolve to do something and it’ll come true without any effort. It’s like when I sit on my bed and resolve to do my homework, and then show up to class empty handed. I’m still confused why my resolve didn’t do my homework for me, so I’ve resolved to find out what the heck happened there.

I think we should just resolve not to do something, that’s so much easier. Especially if it’s something you would never do. I resolve not to go ice fishing in Alaska. See, that won’t ever happen, mostly because it’s cold but also because I have the sneaking suspicion Sarah Palin prowls the woods hunting people who don’t watch her show. Yeah she has a show; needless to say it didn’t get renewed. But I digress; resolving not to do something seems like the smart bet. It’s not too late, just resolve not to enjoy a Justin Bieber song, or maybe to not watch Jersey Shore. That way when someone asks you can honestly say you kept your resolution, because, let’s face it, Justin Bieber sounds like a parrot on helium, and Jersey Shore only gets people to watch just so they can see how smart they are compared to the cast. Although you can’t argue with results, if we all earned $100,000 a week just to sit around and do the most stupid things we could think of, I think all of us would drop out of high school without a second thought.  

Anyway, all sidetracking aside, if people are going to promise themselves to do something and then just blow it off, we might as well resolve to not change anything and keep on doing what we’re doing. At least that way we aren’t lying to ourselves. So resolve to breath, that’s something you have to do. Or you could circumvent the entire resolution thing and just not make one. It does make everything a lot easier, but it also makes you really uninteresting and lazy, just saying.